I am angry frustrated unhappy tired disappointed
I keep having to remind myself it’s ok to feel this way; the journey is fraught with hardship and there is a certain drive in emotion a past self said. It is saddling the disgust I feel for failure and turning it into a force for progress and change and improvement. I cannot slip now after I have come so far. This will not be the end of me. I cannot let it.
Mind over matter. I remember last year during pt I told Yiyun about my litany of rationalizations—all these things I put in my head as safeguards against failure: the court has funny floor, my ankle is loose, I didn’t sleep enough last night—and she said no more excuses and I nodded and we ran. And it was okay because succeeding with a crutch to hold you up is not success.
There’s a reason why I never liked rock climbing. It’s too precarious, too exhaustingly uncertain. There is no one way to do anything, no one path you are bound to take. And climbing further up means hoisting yourself further from solid ground and confidence, into a medley of chaos and grasping onto tiny slivers of fake rock that have turned black from the residue of hundreds of climbers before you. Hanging off the edge, taking chances to reach up and over and past what you think you can do,is risky business.
A champion challenges herself to be better than what she thinks she can be, and succeeds says me from the past. I know all these things in theory but in practice life is much much harder. Perhaps all I really have to do, honestly, is look up.